Dear Lover Deida //free\\ -
You have become the mirror in which I see my own edges. Before you, I thought I was a man of substance. I thought I knew the texture of my own spine. But when you walked into the room, when your gaze landed on me like a soft, devastating weight, I felt my posture betray me. I felt the tremor of a boy who suddenly realizes he is not as solid as he pretended to be.
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I promise to work on my depth so that I may be a worthy container for your ocean. I promise to breathe through the tightness in my chest when fear arises. I promise to look at you—really look at you—even when it is uncomfortable, even when the past is screaming in my ears. You have become the mirror in which I see my own edges
When the storms of your heart rise—the wild, chaotic, beautiful waves of your feminine energy—my instinct is no longer to run. The boy in me used to panic. He used to think, "She is broken, I must fix her," or "She is too much, I must hide." But the man in me is learning to stand as the cliffs stand against the surf. I am learning that your chaos is not a problem to be solved, but a force to be loved. But when you walked into the room, when
I want to love you when you are unreasonable. I want to love you when you are dark and swirling, when you are radiant and laughing, when you are weeping for reasons that defy language. I want to be the space in which all of that can play out without me crumbling. This is my practice: to remain conscious when you are testing me. Because I know, deep down, you are not attacking me; you are testing the structural integrity of my love. You are asking, "Are you strong enough to hold me? Are you deep enough to receive me?"
Forgive me for those moments. Forgive me for the times I have treated you as an object to make me happy, rather than a mystery to be adored. Forgive me for trying to dampen your shine because I was afraid of my own shadow. I am a work in progress. I am carving this masculinity out of the stone of my own ignorance, chipping away the fear, the tightness, the hesitation.